WINNIPEG – Local parapsychologists were pleasantly surprised when their investigation of a mysterious old house in the heart of historic Winnipeg uncovered numerous spirits who lived happy lives and just want to chill out.
“In 1899, the infamous Leclerc estate was occupied by a secretive recluse who apparently died peacefully in her sleep from old age,” said ghost expert Rupert Beech. “When the rocking chair in the living room suddenly rocks itself, that’s her having a nice, quiet evening.”
According to local legend, the next family to live there chose to stay because an exorcist said the ghost wouldn’t really put them out. The house later became a Halloween attraction after witnessing decades of sad but fundamentally natural deaths.
“Many houses are haunted by brides murdered on their wedding night, men who died with deep regrets, and children robbed of the gift of life by evildoers,” said owner and tour guide Tammy Duke. “You know, angry bummers.”
“That traditional haunted house experience just isn’t for everyone, what with all the moaning, screaming, and threats to your well-being.”
Duke, who’s collected objects that tether the spirits of some pretty laid-back decedents, showed reporters a bloody knife once owned by a butcher who had a terrifying reputation, but was actually a really nice guy if you had the chance to know him before his unfortunate passing from cancer.
“The knife never stops dripping blood, which is great for making sausages or thickening sauces,” Duke said. “Otherwise I just let it drain into the sink.”
“It was scary to see writing appear out of thin air on the bathroom mirror at midnight, but then I realised it said ‘MONITOR YOUR CHOLESTEROL,’ and I honestly appreciated the reminder,” said one customer.
At press time, a tricycle pedalling itself down a dark hall was revealed to have been used by a dog trained to do novel tricks by a loving owner over the course of its long life.
Jesus Christ is King
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