Kamala Harris Wears Sad Little Bat Headband Alone At Desk For Halloween

WASHINGTON—Beaming as she entered the White House with a Walgreens bag full of spooky decorations, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly wore a sad little bat headband Tuesday while sitting alone at her desk for Halloween. “Happy Halloween, everyone—come on by to trick or treat,” said the second-highest-ranking official in the U.S. government, who, according to witnesses, had spent the entire morning attempting to make eye contact with passersby and gesturing at a plastic jack-o’-lantern basket she’d filled with miniature Snickers, Twix, and 3 Musketeers bars. “Hey, everyone, all this candy isn’t going to eat itself! By the way, did anyone get my invitation to the Halloween party at my desk? I’ve only got, like, three RSVPs. Everyone should come on by. I made some haunted cupcakes!” At press time, Harris could be seen sitting alone in the West Wing break room and drinking several cups from a cauldron labeled “witches’ brew.”