Politicians Explain Why They Will Not Endorse A Ceasefire

“I haven’t gotten to experience a world war since my boyhood.”

“I lament even those momentary pauses in violence when IDF soldiers have to stop shooting to reload.”

“A ceasefire would send the message to Palestinians that we give a shit whether they live or die.”

“I have a perfect record when it comes to ethnic cleansing, and I’m not about to tarnish that now.”

“Well-behaved missiles seldom make history.”

“Last I checked, there were still some Palestinian civilians left.”

“An open-air prison actually sounds nice. What do I look like, some kind of abolitionist?”

“That would stop the genocidal momentum the IDF has built.”

“Because I’m making money off this. What don’t you understand?”

“Shhh, keep your voice down. Saying that word in Texas is illegal.”

“The people of Gaza are free to start making campaign donations whenever they please.”

“Poked myself in the eye with a kebab skewer. Now all must pay.”

“Based on the last election, I figure my presidential campaign can only be helped by the absence of a strong stance on anything.”

“Ugh, just come back to bed. Can’t we go one night without getting into a screaming match?”

“When you become a U.S. senator, they tell you that you’ll be legally castrated if you ever try to stop any wars.”

“I mean, if it were up to me, they’d be air-striking the shit out of the continental U.S. as well.”

“That’s actually a good idea. If we can trick the Palestinians into thinking we’re not going to fire anymore, they’ll be easier to shoot!”

“The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau would never allow the U.S. to finance the Israeli military if it wasn’t perfectly safe.”

“I don’t want to lose my widespread appeal among moderates.”

“I support firing both missiles and a message of love at Palestine.”