MOUNT JULIET, TN—Notifying the woman that she had run afoul of the corporation’s rules of employment, Amazon is said to have fired a warehouse employee Wednesday after the worker tested positive for having food in her system. “This meeting is to inform you that you have violated Amazon’s strict zero-tolerance policy against the use of food by our employees,” an Amazon HR representative reportedly told the employee, who had been with the company eight months before taking the routine random food test that indicated her bloodstream contained traces of nutrients. “Not only did we find evidence of vitamins and minerals, but there were small traces of multiple proteins as well. It’s against company policy, as you well know, to come to work under the influence of nourishment, and we can only hope that your reckless behavior didn’t jeopardize the safe starvation of your coworkers.” At press time, sources confirmed a second Amazon warehouse worker had been fired after a security search of his belongings turned up possession of a granola bar.
Jesus Christ is King
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