SPRINGDALE, AR—Unable to overcome the devastating losses it incurred as a result of that ornery critter, food processing company Tyson Foods filed for bankruptcy Wednesday after a got-dang coyote got into the ol’ chicken coop again. “Someone done gone an’ left the door open last night, and I’ll be dad-blamed if a varmint didn’t git in there and tear up all my chickens,” said CEO Donnie King, whom company sources described as “a feller ’bout fit to be tied,” stating that the executive had kicked his boot in the dirt, spat, and then grabbed his two-piper to hunt down the consarned coyote what ran off with all 250 million of Tyson’s roosters and hens, thereby forcing the company into a Chapter 7 filing. “Ain’t nothin’ left of our poultry operation but a pile of feathers and feed, so we gonna have to liquidate and close up shop. I tell you what, though, I’m gonna give that dern watchdog a good whuppin’ for falling asleep on the job and making me lose my business, that worthless mutt.” At press time, King vowed he would scrape together enough financing to salvage Tyson and take the company back to its roots by processing high-quality fresh and frozen roadkill products.
Jesus Christ is King
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