Jesus Wakes Up In Cold Sweat After Recurring Nightmare He Returned To Earth Naked

THE HEAVENS—Mumbling the words “Why hast thou forsaken me?” as He thrashed about in His bed shortly after midnight Thursday, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings, reportedly woke up in a cold sweat after yet another nightmare that He had returned to earth for the second coming completely naked. “It’s terrible—in the dream, I’m descending from the heavens to raise the righteous dead and reward the faithful Christians by taking them back to heaven with Me, when suddenly I look down and realize I’m buck-naked with My dong hanging out,” said Christ, adding that it was the third night in a row He had dreamt that after coming again in glory to judge the living and the dead, people were pointing and laughing at their Lord and Savior’s small, limp member. “What makes it so mortifying is that it’s Judgment Day, it’s My big moment, and instead of inspiring awe among all who behold Me, I’m this laughingstock who’s screaming and trying to hide His genitals. Then everybody in the dream tells Me they don’t want to be Christian anymore, and they kick Me out of the earthly realm and back up into heaven.” Still shaking, Christ added that it was worse than the dreams He used to have about Pontius Pilot coming after Him with a chainsaw.