WASHINGTON—Admitting that some types of physiques were simply too disgusting to accept, Americans across the country announced Thursday that they drew the line on body positivity at men with oddly small nipples. “While we support people of all shapes, colors, and sizes, the one thing we cannot stomach is a male with tiny areolas,” said advocate Jamie Coleman, adding that while millions of U.S. citizens agreed that beauty standards were a construct, the fact that miniature nipples looked so scary on a normal-sized chest was not. “No matter how hard we as a nation try, no matter how many men we look at with small nipples, we still just can’t seem to accept it. We don’t care if you’re tall, short, thin, fat, Black, or white. But when it comes to a full-grown man having the nipples of a child? That’s where it goes too far.” Coleman went on to state that while Americans were at it, they had also decided to draw the body-positivity line at people whose eyes were weirdly far apart, fingers were oddly long, or belly buttons were way too high up.
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