HALIFAX – Residents of Nova Scotia’s capital were left in amazement this week, as the city unveiled its first-ever street featuring traffic that flows in more than one direction.
“Today is a monumental day for our community!” exclaimed Mayor Mike Savage. “For the first time since the invention of the automobile, the people of Halifax will now be able to drive from point A to point B, without first having to turn on to points C and D before getting out and walking to point B.”
City Planner Margaret Tupper explained how the idea came to fruition. “We went on a fact-finding mission to Montreal to figure out how our city of 420,000 people might be able to avoid having the traffic problems of one that’s nearly 10 times its size”.
“As soon as we stepped out of the airport, we couldn’t believe our eyes! Cars traveling along two different vectors of movement despite being on the same surface!” she continued. “After being mesmerized by the bright yellow line between them, a few of us started to wonder if such a mechanism could work here!”
“Of course we didn’t want to copy them completely,” Tupper noted. “They do some pretty wacky things with their roadways out there. Like, did you know they don’t have some gargantuan useless hill smack dab in the middle of all logical travel routes?”
Not everyone seems excited about the change, however. Lifelong Halifax resident Eric Oxnard fumed at what he viewed as an erosion of the city’s traditions. “This is too much too fast! We haven’t even had 20 years to get used to the idea of shopping on Sunday, and now you’re springing this on us?!”
Mayor Savage was quick to assuage any fears that this new bi-directional pavement might come as too much of a shock to locals. “Don’t worry folks, it’s still narrow enough that traffic won’t be able to move in both directions at the same time, and its convenience is tempered by the fact that you won’t be allowed to park on it from 12:00AM to 11:30PM, Monday to Saturday.”
Criticisms aside, most citizens were eager to catch a glimpse of what they’ve affectionately dubbed “Schrodinger’s Asphalt”. Dalhousie lecturer Shawn MacDonald spoke effusively about how it was just another example of the capital city’s “spirit of innovation”.
“Just a few short years ago, someone thought ‘what if we adjusted our traffic-rotary rules so that Armdale isn’t as quite as much of a nightmare-inducing Mad Max free-for-all?’, and look where we are now! It’s one road, but it’s actually two! Who knows what’s next?! Fusion engines! Dyson spheres! A roomba that talks!”
Asked when he planned to make use of the city’s new dual-direction roadway, Mr. Savage was non-committal, noting “Probably not for a while, I live in Dartmouth and both of the bridges are closed”.
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