Rising U.S. Infant Mortality Rate Linked To Sloppy Form In Baby-Fighting Rings

HYATTSVILLE, MD—Helping to explain why the troubling statistic has increased significantly for the first time in two decades, figures from the National Center for Health Statistics released Friday showed that America’s rising infant mortality rate was linked to sloppy form in baby-fighting rings. “We’ve seen a direct correlation between the marked increase in infants who die before their first birthday and the utter lack of fundamentals and form on display when they participate in a bare-knuckle cage-fighting match,” said agency spokesperson Gina Turnbaum, explaining that the numbers were particularly dire for low-income households, which are less likely to have access to the training a newborn needs to learn how to duck and weave and keep their fontanel out of harm’s way. “Our childcare system is crumbling, and as a result, many daycare providers don’t have time to show babies how to choke out an opponent with a swaddle blanket or, when they’re caught in a clinch, how to teethe on them until they cry and fall down. Without basics like these, far too many of our infants wind up permanently KO’d.” Perhaps worst of all, Turnbaum added, most American families don’t have access to healthcare plans that cover the cost of a cornerman to treat their baby’s cuts and black eyes.