Politicians Try To Recall How Their Constituents Feel About A Ceasefire

“A cease what? I’ve never heard that word in my life.”

“My constituents routinely vote in favor of having blood on our hands.”

“Does AIPAC count as a constituent?”

“Am I a politician? Gee, that’s flattering.”

“One more word about a ceasefire, and I’m ordering Israel to bomb south Brooklyn.”

“Oh, while I’m at work the nanny is the one who looks after the constituents.”

“My constituents know I have been calling for a cease-ceasefire since day one.”

“Representatives are public servants. That means it’s my job to listen to what my constituents have to say, internalize it, and then do whatever I want.”

“I have genuinely not thought about another human being since 1998.”

“When I got elected in 2014, my campaign pitch was ‘You wanna see a dead body?’”

“Constituents…constituents… Oh, you mean the blurred shapes I sometimes see before meetups with donors?”

“Hmm… What is this ‘feel’?”

“My Illinois colleague Dick Durbin, who called for a ceasefire, obviously has different constituents than I do.”

“I don’t know. I can’t hear frequencies coming out of the mouths of people who make below $400k.”

“They elected me to kill people, so that’s what I’m gonna do.”

“I have but one constituent, and their name is Lockheed Martin.”

“I know what they want. I just think they are stupid and don’t respect them. Make sense?”

“A ceasefire is a sacred bond between one man and one woman. Anything else is a sin.”

“No constituents anymore, motherfuckers! You people can’t goddamn touch me! I can say whatever the hell I want. Fuck all of you!”

“My term doesn’t expire until 2068.”

“Constituents? Oh, do you mean money? The money says to burn it to the ground.”

“I assume all my constituents were also given a full ride by the Federalist Society.”

“We often think about others so much that we forget to think about our own feelings. The question is, do I want a ceasefire?”

“Most of my constituents are guns, and they love firing. It’s the equivalent of orgasm to them.”