WASHINGTON—In a controversial 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that any American who underwent a legal abortion under Roe v. Wade must now be re-impregnated. “Any U.S. citizen who terminated a pregnancy during the nearly 50 years that it was nationally legal must immediately report to a governmental agency or Catholic hospital to be re-impregnated,” read the conservative-led decision penned by Chief Justice John Roberts, which went on to explain that now that the highest court in the land has negated bodily autonomy as a constitutional right and made it vastly difficult to find reproductive care, they finally have time to work backwards in punishing anyone who was able to benefit in the past. “Frankly, after working tirelessly with local and state governments to all but sever the ability of an American woman of child-bearing age to retain authority over her own uterus, it brings me great pleasure to right this wrong once and for all by undoing the long-completed lawful abortions of the Roe era. My colleagues and I have pored over the precedent texts and ultimately determined that having an empty womb does not number among the rights detailed in the U.S. Constitution, and therefore must be rectified in 100% of cases—even when that person was a victim of rape or incest, is no longer able to get pregnant due to age or medical conditions, or is now dead. A fetus will be placed for every abortion they underwent. And if any of those people fail to deliver a healthy baby to term, they will be unceremoniously arrested and thrown in jail for life. For Black women, you’ll still be re-impregnated, but then you’ll be scolded for becoming pregnant and forcibly sterilized.” At press time, the ACLU had filed an appeal, citing particular grievance with the portion of the decision that said all resulting babies must be named Clarence.
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