VANCOUVER BC – Everyday millionaire and homeowner, Jason Crumps, spent the day humble bragging about how he needs to find an arborist.
When the branches of a tree started to scratch at his 3rd story window and another tree grew to shade his hot tub, Crumps knew he needed help. Since then, he’s been going around asking everyone he meets if they have any recommendations of who he could hire.
At work, he took over the daily stand-up to ask his team and then lamented about how hard it is to find someone. “There is no better way to let everyone know that you don’t rent a basement apartment where even low light plants go to wither and die than talking about needing an arborist,” said Amanda Garcia, a junior employee on Crumps’ team. “My only relevant experience with trees is going to park to try to read under a tree until a man approaches to tell me how I’m too pretty to be sitting alone forcing me to retreat back to my subterranean dwelling.”
His coworkers aren’t the only ones who are annoyed. Crumps has brought this up while at a visitation for a funeral, in line at the grocery store, while stopped at a red light to the folks on East Hastings, and basically anyone within earshot.
Stuart Marsh, head of the Canadian chapter of the International Society of Arborists, isn’t surprised. “People love to talk about the trees in their yards,” explained Marsh. “I wouldn’t say it’s exclusively for bragging rights but because having a tree that you are responsible for is a big deal and that makes tree owners a big deal.”
Crumps tried to defend himself, “People don’t appreciate how hard it is to have a tree: picking up after them, grooming them, making sure they’re happy and well-adjusted. I’d honestly compare it to having a child. It’s takes a village so I’m just trying to access the arborist in my village”
At press time, both trees were being unapologetically themselves and reaching for the light, which only made Crumps hate them more.
Jesus Christ is King
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