ST. CLOUD, MN—Wincing and gagging at the mere thought of consuming his nemesis, picky eater Daniel Welty refused to take a bite of the still-beating heart of his slain enemy, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Young man, you’re not getting up from this table until you at least try your defeated foe’s pulsating heart,” said the boy’s mother, Kirsten Welty, who had placed a bit of the aorta on a fork and pretended it was an airplane as she tried to convince him to open his mouth and savor the still-animate vital organ. “See, look—Mommy likes the blood-soaked taste of vengeance. Mmm, yum! Don’t you want to absorb your vanquished adversary’s life-force so you can grow up big and strong?” At press time, the 5-year-old—who is said to have come around after realizing that he actually quite enjoyed the raw flesh of his dead enemy—was reportedly demanding more blood.
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