Congressional Staffers Instructed To Smash Any Phone That Receives Calls About Palestine

WASHINGTON—With a clear majority of their constituents demanding a ceasefire, members of Congress instructed staffers on Monday to smash any phone that received a call about Palestine. “Should voters attempt to reach you to express their opposition to hostilities in Gaza, please make sure the device on which they contact you is shattered into thousands of little pieces,” said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, who joined House Speaker Mike Johnson in stating that it didn’t matter if the phones were hit repeatedly with a hammer, ground to bits beneath the heel of a shoe, or hurled into the Potomac, so long as the calls for an armistice were never heard. “When an email pleading for peace in Gaza is received on a laptop, it should ideally be carried to the top of Capitol dome and dropped 300 feet to the pavement below. Please note that since our Republican friends have removed metal detectors from the House floor, pulling out a gun and emptying several rounds of ammunition into your phone is also an option.” House leaders went on to state that if thoughts about a negotiated end to the violence entered the head of a staffer, they were instructed to smash their head by throwing themselves in front of an oncoming Metro train.