Nation’s Therapists Recommend Depressed Individuals Cheer Selves Up With Root Beer Float

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the nation’s mental health crisis, the American Psychological Association issued a blanket recommendation Monday for depressed individuals to cheer themselves up with a cool, tasty root beer float. “In recent decades, clinical depression has risen to epidemic levels in the United States, and people need to know there are practical steps they can take to prepare a fizzy, creamy root beer float that will immediately make them forget their troubles and become very, very happy,” said Dr. Terri Langham, stressing that those affected would not need a prescription for the soda, the vanilla ice cream, or the frosty glass involved in stimulating the patient’s taste buds, but unfortunately should expect to pay for the treatment out of pocket. “Sadly, very few insurance companies cover black cows or egg creams or lime rickeys, likely because the healthcare industry has a long way to go in catching up with carbonated treatments for mental health, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t safe or effective. Our group of professional therapists and psychological researchers have all confirmed there’s no way parking yourself at the counter of your local soda fountain until you’re slurping at the last bit of sarsaparilla from the bottom of a malt glass will not result in a complete reversal of the effects of despondency as you are skipping home while saying ‘Yum yum in my tum’ in a singsongy tune.” The APA went on to confirm that generic root beers work just as well as name brands in the treatment of depression, so long as the French vanilla ice cream is made from real vanilla beans.