It’s November! That means it’s almost December, which means it’s almost 2024, which means it’ll eventually be election time. It’ll be here before you know it, and former President Donald Trump has rolled out his ambitious agenda once he is inevitably re-elected.
Through top-secret sources, The Babylon Bee has obtained this list of 45 things Donald Trump is promising for his second term:
- Put the dollar sign back in Kesha’s name
- Make junk fees greater than ever before
- Confirm the Star Wars sequel trilogy as non-canonical
- Invent kosher bacon
- Make the southern border an epic American Ninja Warrior course so only the best ninja warriors get into the country
- Require all Marvel superheroes to be male
- Make McDonald’s go back to the old yellow and red color scheme
- Ban Taylor Swift from attending football games
- Ban iPad tipping
- Immediately declare war on California
- Revoke the license of anyone driving more than 5 MPH under the speed limit
- Require Starbucks baristas to wear badges stating they are either male or female
- Close down Domino’s Pizza for the good of mankind
- Only allow real boobs on White House lawn
- Legalize shooting people if they take off their shoes on an airplane
- Remove the walk-in tub and changing table from the presidential bathroom
- Re-designate June as “Heterosexual Pride Month”
- Paint epic flames on the sides of the presidential limo
- Appoint Judge Judy to the Supreme Court
- Re-name Washington football team “Redskins” per request of an overwhelming percentage of Native Americans
- Ban the sale of firearm magazines that hold less than 30 rounds
- Classify Applebee’s food as hazardous material
- Double the amount of Robert E. Lee statues nationwide
- Purchase Canada and make Trudeau pay for it
- Make talk-to-text in public punishable by hanging
- Require real estate agents to use the term “master bedroom” again
- Require watching all seasons of The Apprentice on the U.S. citizenship exam
- 7-Eleven will only be allowed to serve Big Gulps, nothing smaller
- Make a federal mandate for the minimum length of neckties
- Appoint Bill Burr’s wife Ambassador to Gaza
- Take over Japan to secure sushi supply
- Make everyone involved in his prosecution wear giant banana costumes for the rest of their lives
- Declare Kid Rock’s birthday a national holiday
- Designate Harvard University as a terrorist organization
- Secure the permanent return of the McRib
- Free the space aliens being held captive in Pentagon basement
- End the bloody civil war between North Dakota and South Dakota
- Mandate the elimination of all electric vehicles and hybrids by 2027
- Cancel Amazon’s Rings of Power
- Require all presidential candidates to debate while barefoot
- Fix Taco Bell’s lettuce-to-cheese ratio
- Provide every household with a free gas stove
- Replace all water fountains with Diet Coke
- Require Henry Cavill’s mustache to be re-applied via CGI in every frame of Justice League
- Break out of federal prison
Talk about an impressive agenda! Now, if Trump makes it back into the White House in a year, you’ll know what to expect.
Their culture is not your costume. DO NOT appropriate ghost, zombie, or vampire culture this Halloween.
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Babylon Bee
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