Men Explain Why Female-Led ‘The Marvels’ Failed

“Probably because to understand this movie, you have to have already seen a woman before.”

“It’s either the compounding factors of a fatigue with the overwhelming number of these films, their general decline in quality, and the hurdles of being a female-led movie in a male-centric genre, or it’s because they let a lady direct it.”

“How do you even know they are women when at no point in the movie do you ever see their genitals?”

“I’d have no problem with the idea of a female-led Marvel movie if the heroes were all homemakers.”

“I don’t like that kind of mindless drivel.”

“Movie studios need to understand that men don’t want to watch MCU movies with women in them. We want nature documentaries about baby animals.”

“The female voice is actually imperceptible to most audiences, so that may have made the plot a bit difficult to follow.”

“Chungking Express is currently streaming on HBO Max. How are they supposed to compete with that?”

“I don’t think the problem is so much that it’s women, but more that the women are of different races.”

“In the comic books, Carol Danvers was a man.”

“I saw it, but walked out with one minute left in the runtime so that it didn’t count as a view.”

“I was afraid of my girlfriend’s period syncing up with Brie Larson’s.”

“Personally—and I hope this doesn’t seem overly critical—I just found the superheroes bumping their pregnant bellies together at the end of every scene a little distracting.”

“Because nobody who’s making these movies cares about them. Trust me.”

“I don’t know. I go to the theater and jerk off to every Marvel movie, so don’t ask me.”

“They didn’t adequately market this one in Cab Magazine.”

“That bitch Brie Larson didn’t even look in my direction when I yelled at the screen that she was hot.”

“It didn’t believe enough in itself.”

“Walruses don’t get to watch any movies, so don’t ask me!”

“I don’t know anyone who can afford to go to the movies.”

“Hey, forget about all that. Let’s twist!”

“Wait, I thought it was illegal to have women in movies.”

“If the women had simply been willing to beef up and add prosthetic chest hair, I think they would have given audiences exactly the sort of masculine thrills that they demand.”

“Sorry, it’s my fault. I fell down and was trapped on the kitchen floor for 30 hours. I hope Bob Iger isn’t too mad at me.”

“Most Marvel fans can’t sustain their booing for longer than an hour.”

“In the theaters, women appear to be three times my size, but in reality, they are one quarter of my size.”

“I already tore out my eyeballs in protest of the first one.”

“I don’t even support Brie Larson driving a car in all those Nissan commercials.”

“My wife says I’m not allowed to go to Marvel movies anymore ever since I said I was leaving her for Howard the Duck.”

“Just taking a much-needed break from supporting women, that’s all.”