GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Despite her attendance throughout the morning’s mandatory training course, sources confirmed Wednesday that an amateur skydiver ascending up into the clouds had clearly not listened to instructions. “It doesn’t matter how many times I say it, there’s one in every damn group who fails to pay attention to the single most important thing I tell them,” said local skydiving instructor Marnie Jacobs, who shook her head as first-time solo jumper Alice Kempton leapt from the plane over the drop zone and immediately shot upwards, getting smaller and smaller as she rose into the stratosphere. “They assume they know everything and it’s just as easy as jumping out of a plane, but look at her—she doesn’t even know which direction to go! This is why we make these idiots sign a liability waiver.” At press time, reports confirmed Kempton had pulled her parachute as she left Earth’s atmosphere.
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