Only Sex Education In Country Now Just Pressing Ear To Shared Wall To Hear Noises From Next Door

JACKSONVILLE, FL—With the standard curriculum of anatomy, biology, risks, and consent continually being challenged by parent groups, sources confirmed Thursday that the only sex education that remains in the United States is pressing one’s ear against a shared wall to better hear the noises next door. “Listening for the muffled slapping noises that come from an adjacent room is the best way for today’s teens to learn about sexual health and well-being,” said education consultant James Thorne, confirming that every school in the nation had restricted what could be taught to the point that children now relied on the occasional audible moan to figure out what happens before, during, and after sex. “The generation of Americans currently under the age of 18 will be the first in modern times to learn about their changing bodies by placing an empty juice glass up to a thin wall. Whether it’s a couple in a neighboring apartment, an older sibling, or their parents, these kids will need to decode what’s going on in the next room by guessing what that vibrating noise is, or wondering why the activity in progress apparently requires so much grunting. Anything they learn about safe sex will of course have to come from overhearing a panicked argument about a broken condom.” Reached for comment, the nation’s children stated that the most important part of the human reproductive system was playing “Grind On Me” by Pretty Ricky.