MEMPHIS, TN—Wiping the tears from his eyes with one hand and using his phone’s front-facing camera to take a selfie with the other, local widower Randall Selway was reportedly sobbing at his wife’s funeral Thursday while creating a profile on eHarmony. “My sweet Judith, she’s gone, gone forever!” cried Selway, who collapsed to his knees as he watched the casket being lowered into the earth, typing, “Recently widowed retiree, tennis lover, and wine connoisseur seeking a partner who wants to see the world.” “Nearly a quarter century together, and now I’ll never see her again! It’s not fair! Oh, no, no, no! Why God, why did you do this to—yes! Oh baby, I got a match!” At press time, sources confirmed Selway was sprinting away from the burial site to meet a 49-year-old divorced acupuncturist at P.F. Chang’s.
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