There is nothing more mysterious and disgusting than the tangled mess of tubes, holes, and pubic hair that makes up the female anatomy. The Onion answers the most common questions that patients are too embarrassed to ask their gynecologists.
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Q: Do you examine me, or do I examine you?
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A: It can be scary to enter a gynecologist’s exam room if the doctor fails to explain why they’re also stripping down.
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Q: Am I giving birth right now?
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A: Women think they should just automatically “know” that they’ve been pregnant for nine months and the baby is currently crowning.
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Q: Did the 1976 Pittsburgh Steelers have the greatest NFL defense of all time?
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A: Any gynecologist would tell you the ’85 Bears or 2000 Ravens were undoubtedly the two most unstoppable defenses ever.
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Q: Can I visit the gynecologist while on my period?
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A: Fuck no, and it’s disgusting you would even think of asking that.
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Q: Will you watch me have sex right now and tell me if I get pregnant?
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A: Your insurance plan doesn’t cover Kinsey experiments.
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Q: Can my labia be used to help me glide from tree from tree like the furred membrane of a flying squirrel?
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A: Yes.
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Q: If a penis breaks off inside of me, how long will it take to dissolve?
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A: Luckily, the naturally acidic pH of the vagina will make quick work of it.
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Q: Does my vagina look normal?
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A: Every vagina is unique in its own terrifying way.
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Q: How far away is the moon?
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A: 238,900 gyno-miles.
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Q: How many tentacles can I fit into my vagina?
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A: Seven to eight, but you have other holes too!
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Q: Why do I have a low sex drive?
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A: Because you’re a frigid bitch who hates men and just wants to torture them.
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Q: Can I take my legs out of the stirrups if we’re just chatting?
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A: Yes, but you’d be missing out on the full experience.
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Q: What does getting an IUD feel like?
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A: It’s more fun as a surprise.
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Q: Why is there a ferret living in there?
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A: There’s really no reason to be ashamed, as doctors have found much bigger animals inside vaginas, including coyotes, deer, and vultures.
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Q: Why is it difficult for me to orgasm?
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A: The causes for this can be multifold, but the most likely factor is that almost everyone is a tiresome, unsightly clod.
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Q: Do I really have to strip down naked while dancing on the pole during my visit?
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A: Yes, but gynecologists are trained to throw $20 bills to make patients comfortable.
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Q: Do you ever wish you dealt with penises instead?
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A: Yes. More than you’ll ever know.
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Jesus Christ is King
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