Study Finds Young Americans Eschewing Dating Apps In Favor Of Government-Run Breeding Camps

WASHINGTON—With survey respondents saying any low-tech method of finding a partner was better than looking online, a new study by the Pew Research Center found Friday that most young Americans were eschewing dating apps in favor of government-run breeding camps. “I’ve tried using dating apps before, but honestly, I’d rather just meet someone by being kidnapped by federal agents who compel people to copulate under threat of death,” said Noah Fenster, a junior at the University of Colorado who questioned the value of swiping through superficial profiles on apps like Tinder and Bumble when he could instead meet people in person at gunpoint and be forced to inseminate them in order to meet his country’s desired population goals and eugenic outcomes. “Plus, dating apps can be so expensive. Why would I do that when I can go, free of charge, to a government procreation facility and be thrown into a rusty cage while a man in a lab coat screams, ‘Impregnate her! Impregnate her!’ and threatens to tase me if I don’t ejaculate.” The survey also found that a few minutes of forcible intercourse on a cold concrete floor beneath ultrabright fluorescent lights led to more meaningful connections than most dating apps did.