WASHINGTON—Describing himself as a failure in conversations with family, friends, and White House staffers, President Biden reportedly spent his birthday Monday depressed over not having accomplishing anything by the age of 81. “Ugh, another year come and gone with nothing to show for it,” said a despondent Biden, remarking that everyone he knew had done so much more by the time they reached their 80s, and he felt inadequate by comparison. “Maybe if I really work hard I can turn things around by the time I’m 90, but who knows? Sure, I got the Inflation Reduction Act passed, but Joe Manchin watered it down and the next Republican administration will just roll it back. And what does everything else I’ve done amount to, really? Nothing.” At press time, sources confirmed the president was contemplating whether it might be worth approaching first lady Jill Biden about the possibility of participating in a threesome before they died.
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