WASHINGTON—As he hacked and coughed in front of a horrified group of family members and top administration officials, sources confirmed Monday that President Joe Biden’s lungs flew out of his mouth when he attempted to blow out his birthday candles. “We sang happy birthday, cheered, and then, all of a sudden, we heard a wheeze and a violent retching noise as the president’s lungs spurted from his mouth and landed directly on the cake,” said White House aide Andrew Whittaker, adding that the commander-in-chief, who had just turned 81, made a muffled scream and quickly attempted to pick his respiratory system up, clean the frosting off, and shove it back into his body before anyone noticed. “While it was scary at first, President Biden was able to play it off like nothing had happened, and there was actually still plenty of cake that didn’t get touched by either of his lungs. Plus, the wetness of his organs was able to put out all the candles. Hopefully his wish came true.” At press time, aides were scrambling to mitigate damage after they pushed too hard on Biden’s lungs while helping to shove them back in and all his other organs subsequently fell out of his anus.
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