Loud Man Not Even Drunk

MISSOULA, MT—Wincing at the sound of the man’s booming voice, sources confirmed Monday that 35-year-old Jesse Slattery was loud but not even drunk. “You’d think he’d had a shot or two before this, but nope, that’s just his voice,” said acquaintance Kevin McGill, who appeared bewildered by the man who was destroying the eardrums of ever person within a 20-foot radius without a single ounce of alcohol to blame it on. “He’s stone-cold sober and three minutes into an incomprehensible rant that seems to be about vampire lore and inflation. Hasn’t had a single bump of coke either. It really makes you wonder how loud he’s capable of getting.” At press time, sources reported that Slattery had just shouted “Woo!”