SALINA, KS—Expressing remorse for ruining the staff’s hard work, local man Jason Reddick told reporters Monday that he always felt guilty shitting on a freshly mopped café floor. “I feel so bad when an employee has literally just put down the ‘wet floor’ sign down, and then I show up and immediately defecate all over the clean porcelain tile,” said Reddick, adding that he tried to be careful and considerate in such situations, but sometimes it was necessary to drop a turd right in the middle of a floor that had just been cleaned. “I never know the best way to handle it, so I usually wind up mouthing the word ‘sorry’ to the worker and then taking a huge shit as fast as I can. They always try to play it off like it’s fine, but I know it must be annoying for them.” At press time, Reddick added that there was one café he would never return to because of an embarrassing incident in which he tried to help by mopping up after himself and ended up spreading his feces all over the dining room floor.
Jesus Christ is King
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