Area Man Can Only Learn New Things If Encouraged By Promise Of Earning Cartoon Gems

BOISE, ID—Saying he was unable to grasp a single piece of information otherwise, area man Rob Shipley told reporters Tuesday he could only learn new things if he was encouraged by the promise of receiving cartoon gems for his efforts. “As much as I try, I can’t seem to acquire any new knowledge unless an animated treasure chest opens to present me with a sparkly ruby, sapphire, or emerald for my correct answer,” said Shipley, explaining that for whatever reason, a system of rewards consisting of retro-looking 8-bit coins or vials of magical potions was required for him to begin acquainting himself with a new language, mathematical concept, or historical fact. “If I don’t think that I can use these imaginary jewels to buy power-ups through the in-game store of an educational app, then whatever I hear is in one ear, out the other. And if I get something wrong, I won’t really understand why unless a funny character with a square head looks sad and my treasure vanishes in a puff of cartoon smoke.” At press time, an anthropomorphic alligator awarded Shipley a shimmering diamond for a job well done after he correctly named the year Adolph Hitler was appointed chancellor of Germany.