WINNIPEG – Aspiring suicide bomber William Pettinger is expressing frustration at his inability to live out his dreams due to ongoing frustrations with Air Canada.
“I would love nothing more than to enter paradise as loudly as possible,” said Pettinger, “but I just can’t handle sitting through one of their flights”.
Mr. Pettinger explained how past attempts at martyrdom had fallen through, and soured him on the experience. “There was that one time the overhead wouldn’t fit my bag so I ended up having to shove it under my seat. It was so cramped, I pulled my back and still couldn’t reach the detonator”.
“Then there was the time everything was set, I was ready to have my moment, a giant blast right above the CN Tower, when they redirected us to freaking Hamilton!” Pettinger added. “I mean, sure, they’re still infidels, but Tim Hortons Field isn’t exactly a postcard target, y’know?”
“Honestly,” Pettinger concedes “I’m beginning to wonder if I’d actually be doing everyone a favour, if I actually did succeed. I spent 6 months living in a cave eating nothing but lentils and chickpeas, but Vancouver to Montreal flight with nothing but a bag of peanuts?! And they call me a ‘terrorist’.”
“They should rename themselves Al-Qanada,” the terrorist noted while trying unsuccessfully to navigate Air Canada’s website.
Resigned to his fate, the would-be martyr recognized it was probably not meant to be.
“I guess it’s for the best, screaming ‘Death to heretics’ doesn’t quite have the same emotional impact when you have to follow it with “Mort aux hérétiques”.
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