Dr. Scholl’s Recalls All Products After Announcing Only Way To Fix Flat Feet Is With Eugenics

KENT, OH—Urging consumers to immediately return every arch-support device it had ever sold, popular foot-care brand Dr. Scholl’s recalled all its products this week after announcing the only way to fix flat feet was with eugenics. “While we regret the error, it is our responsibility as a company to alert our customers to the fact that flat feet can only be avoided through aggressive, selective breeding,” said Dr. Scholl’s spokesperson Lydia Jefferies, adding that products such as pain-relief orthotics, bunion-relief toe correctors, and plantar fasciitis insoles paled in comparison to the promise of permanently eliminating the deformity from the human gene pool altogether. “Instead of merely treating the condition’s unpleasant symptoms, we at Dr. Scholl’s hope to rid mankind of flat-footedness right at the source. Currently, 20% to 30% of people have flat feet. But by eliminating the undesirables, we can purge the gene pool of their, shall we say, genetic shortcomings.” At press time, Dr. Scholls had come under fire after releasing a disturbing manifesto about how flat feet were a threat to society and, if they were not eliminated, would bring an end to the human race.