PITTSBURGH, PA — A local man undid an entire year’s worth of diet and physical activity over the course of one single hour during his family’s Thanksgiving meal.
“Oh yeah,” Matt Carson told reporters. “I can feel those pounds coming right back. That meal was amazing, but I can’t see my feet anymore.”
Carson figures he ate a cumulative 500,000 calories in the space of about five hours, accounting for continued munching on leftovers throughout the afternoon. After doing a bit of addition while laying on the floor moaning, Carson believes he did indeed erase all of the calories he burned exercising over the past 365 days.
“I was impressed,” Rebecca Carson, Matt’s wife, said. “He just kept going and going. I made a lot of food this year and I thought maybe he’d pace himself. But after he went back to the table for his 65th helping of turkey and stuffing, I knew we might have a problem.”
Following last year’s Thanksgiving meal, Carson had vowed to turn over a new leaf in the health department. He went to the gym twice per week, occasionally joined his wife for yoga, and even took the stairs instead of the elevator when he could. Sadly, his entire year’s worth of hard work was canceled out once again in one single afternoon.
“I tried, you gotta believe me, I tried,” Matt said. “But the rolls got me. Well, the rolls, and the mashed potatoes, and the gravy, and the turkey, and the jello salad, and the sweet potato casserole, and the green bean casserole with the bacon, and the stuffing, and the pumpkin pie, and the apple pie, and the razzleberry pie, and — hey, is that pecan pie over there?”
As of press time, Matt was seen quietly weeping and rummaging through the fridge for leftovers while promising himself a trip to the gym first thing in the morning.
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