Men’s Rights Activists Explain How They Increase Their Sperm Count

“Only jerk off once a month, underneath the full moon.”

“I inject myself with 10 CCs of testosterone every day and then another 10 CCs of sugar to make it go down smooth.”

“Oh my God, sperm? Is that what that stuff is? Gross.”

“I don’t exercise, eat right, or practice any forms of stress management, but I just bought an enormous tub of supplements off Amazon that has multiple typos in the ingredients list.”

“Triscuits. It’s all about Triscuits.”

“You might not like to hear this, but doing incest really does get my count up.”

“I hire a man with lots of sperm to cum for me.”

“I actually want my sperm count to be low. I want to have just one sperm as big as a tadpole that swims up into my woman’s brain and controls her from the inside.”

“I place a small piece of beef in my wife’s vagina for my sperm to eat and become strong.”

“By injecting a 17-year-old’s semen into my testicles.”

“I only take estrogen pills on cheat days.”

“If you play Mozart for your scrotum you’ll make more sperm.”

“I only allow one sperm to escape every time I cum.”

“Beginning with a single paper clip, I was able to barter all the way up to a big house full of sperm.”

“I made a tiny little tin foil hat I wear on the head of my penis.”

“I smash each of my sperms with a hammer so they shatter into millions of little sperms.”

“I buy my sperm in bulk at Costco.”

“I detach my balls and let them wander free at night. Now there are fewer stray cats in the neighborhood, and my count is up.”

“I pay $600 a visit for Joe Rogan to give my balls a speech about the importance of male supremacy.”

“I prayed for more sperm, and now I have so much I’m actually terrified. You can see them swimming through my skin.”

“I didn’t have as much sperm as I wanted, so I signed up with a nonprofit to foster some.”

“I jerk off to a photo of sperm each morning to get the little guys excited.”

“Don’t come too close. If you do, you’ll get pregnant.”

“Ever since I started reading The Onion, my balls have been the size of cantaloupes.”

“I bribed my testicles to produce more sperm by shoving a $5 bill up my urethra.”

“Well, let me show you…in song! Cum-cumaree, cum-cumaree, cum-cum ca-ree, I drink my own semen and mix it with pee!”

“I keep a bunch of young, virile men locked in my penthouse for ritual milking.”