Woman Still Wearing Mask On Plane Must Have Inside Information About Next Pandemic

BOSTON—Marveling at the passenger whom they assumed to be a higher-up at the World Health Organization or something, sources confirmed Wednesday that a woman still wearing a mask on the plane must have had inside information about the next pandemic. “Wow, to be wearing a mask at this early stage in whatever pandemic she must have intel about means it’s probably going to be pretty bad, huh,” said fellow Delta passenger Martine Velasquez, beginning to panic at the idea that some sort of novel pathogen could, in theory, infect the human population badly enough to bring the world to a screeching halt. “That KN95 mask on a domestic U.S. flight indicates that this person either works in the government or knows someone in the government who is feeding her information. Unless—oh my God, she released it herself! It’s already too late for me.” At press time, Velasquez and the other passengers were seen torturing the masked woman for information.