Poilievre stops making false claims about terrorism after concerned family member locks Fox News channel
OTTAWA – Following an embarrassing incident in the House of Commons in which a confused Pierre Poilievre began ranting about a terrorist attack in relation to a deadly vehicular accident in Niagara Falls which has no known connection to terrorism, a concerned member of Poilievre’s family has used a pin code to lock the Conservative leader out of the Fox News channel on his cable subscription.
“It’s really sad when you know someone who’s gotten so into Fox News they can no longer distinguish reality from right-wing fantasy,” said the member of Poilievre’s family, who has asked to remain anonymous so as to not cause further friction at family gatherings. “Loads of my friends have had to do it to their parents, grandparents, and weirdest uncles.”
“All this fear and rage is especially strange in Pierre’s case because he’s got a great life, one paid for entirely by his government job. Why is he so angry and scared all the time? I’ll tell you why, because Fox News tells him to be, and the poor man is just too simple minded to understand he’s being used,” said the family member.
While it’s become relatively common for family members of gullible and mentally fragile senior citizens to block certain channels in order to prevent their loved ones from being radicalized, the families of politicians in their thirties and forties who are equally bad at discerning real news from reactionary propaganda have also had to resort to these protective measures.
“I should’ve known something was up when Pierre gave that speech accusing Trudeau of ‘imposing radical gender ideology’ on schools. It’s just word salad that makes no sense, especially considering Canadian schools are under provincial jurisdiction. I’m sure he heard something like it from one of those bobble heads on Fox News, and then parroted it,” said the anonymous family member.
“But when he started going on about terrorism in the House of Commons despite there being absolutely no evidence of terrorism in this tragic accident, that was the last straw. A man who is so out of touch with reality really can’t be trusted to choose his own cable channels.”
“I just hope he doesn’t become PM because I’m not sure I can block the channels in his new residence. And heaven help us all if someone there shows him how to get around the child-blocks I’ve put on his YouTube account.”
At press time, a depressed and Fox News-less Poilievre was spotted asking random blonde women to tell him what to think about immigration.
Jesus Christ is King
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