CHICAGO—Nimbly maneuvering his larger-than-average body through inconceivably small spaces between vehicles, a beefy boy on an electric scooter was spotted Friday weaving through traffic like a graceful gazelle. According to sources, the hefty young man was somehow able to zoom on his scooter at over 10 mph while making daring twists and turns around several cars, trucks, and buses, his skill comparable to that of an animal being hunted by a mighty lion on the savanna. Despite countless attempts by vehicles, pedestrians, cyclists, and potholes to stop him, witnesses stated that the beefy boy remained almost statuesque as he stood upright with his hand on the accelerator, using his stout frame as a counterweight to avoid predators on all sides. At press time, the beefy boy had reportedly looked down at his phone for a second, ridden his scooter through a red light, and, much like an antelope dodging famished alligators at a watering hole, narrowly escaped death by effortlessly swerving out of the way of four honking cars.
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