Biden Campaign Imperiled By Really Scratchy Blanket That Makes It Hard For President To Sleep

WASHINGTON—Following an investigation into the candidate’s lackluster poll numbers, President Biden’s campaign has traced the source of the Democratic incumbent’s troubles to a really scratchy blanket that makes it hard for him to sleep, according to a copy of an internal memo obtained Tuesday by reporters. “All of our efforts to garner support for next year’s election are being undercut by a dry, prickly wool blanket that the president sleeps with every night,” read the memo from Biden campaign manager Julie Chávez Rodriguez, explaining that there was no way the commander-in-chief could operate at full capacity when he was up all night scratching his legs because the fabric was getting caught in his leg hair and “it feels like something’s creepy-crawling” on them. “He wakes up really grumpy and with watery eyes because of his slight wool allergy, and then he doesn’t want to do any campaign stuff. At the same time, the president refuses to spend money on a new blanket when he has what he calls ‘a perfectly fine one’ already. Everything that alienates voters about his presidency—the struggle to contain inflation, the broken promises on immigration, the way he is beginning to look his age—can be traced to his unwillingness to put a flat sheet or pajama bottoms between his bare legs and this ratty, rough piece of fabric that keeps him up. The president says an extra layer would make him too hot and only worsen the situation. Meanwhile, our research shows that Trump is getting eight and a half hours of sleep every night beneath a luxurious faux-fur throw. Our only hope is to double down on our efforts to fundraise for a better blanket—preferably something in a jersey or satin.” At press time, Biden’s poll numbers had plummeted even further after the scratchy blanket shrunk in the wash, leaving his exposed toes too chilly for him to sleep.