10 Things More Reliable Than Social Security

Brought to you by: Genesis Gold Group

When you’re planning for the future, it’s best to know the right places to invest and what you can rely on down the road. Surprising as it may be, depending on the United States federal government has not always gone well! In fact, it turns out that there are plenty of things more secure than Social Security.

The Babylon Bee has put together the following list of examples of things way more reliable than Social Security:

1. Your cheeseburger being watched by Lizzo while you go to the restroom: Or your fries. Or your family.
2. Hamas-made rockets: Water pipes and black powder, always a winning combination.
3. Dating Taylor Swift: Rock solid. Just ask Jordan Alford, Joe Jonas, John Mayer, Brandon Borello, Drew Hardwick, Sam Armstrong, Lucas Till, Taylor Lautner, Adam Young….
4. Megan Rapinoe on a crucial penalty kick: Absolute guarantee. For the other team.
5. Any statement made by Karine Jean-Pierre: She’s the White House Press Secretary, for Pete’s sake. It doesn’t get more reliable than that.
6. The chair holding up your mom: Oooooooooooooo!!!
7. The price of Bitcoin: Hey, it’s back up! Nope, it’s down. Hold on, it’s really high again. Never mind.
8. The National Christmas Tree Installation Company of Northern Virginia: It’s about as niche of a market as you can get, so you know they’re good at their job.
9. Joe Biden on stairs: Never in doubt!
10. The job of a Republican Speaker of the House: Once you get that spot, you’re set for life.

As you can see, Social Security doesn’t stand up to the durability, reliability, and trustworthiness of any of the items listed above. Better look elsewhere, y’all!

NOT SATIRE: Americans are concerned about how Bidenomics is decimating our financial futures. From de-dollarization to rampant inflation, the threats to our life’s savings exacerbate anxiety at a time when we already have too much on our plates.

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Babylon Bee