CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following comprehensive, long-term research into the dangers of excess abdominal girth, a Harvard University study published Wednesday found that belly fat was associated with an increased risk of being blown raspberries. “We tracked more than 500 adults over the course of a decade and observed a significant link between an expansive waistline and the tendency of another person to press their lips to one’s stomach and make a wet, vibrating sound,” said physician and study co-author Marcus Kessler, noting that the greater the amount of visceral fat around the midsection, the sloppier-sounding, louder, and more frequent the raspberries became. “In addition, the risk of someone blowing on the skin to create a noise imitative of flatulence grows more acute the more one’s belly peeks out from underneath a shirt. Bigger bellies can have other grave consequences as well, including an increased risk of someone poking the stomach with an index finger and emitting a gleeful ‘tee-hee’ in a loud falsetto.” Kessler went on to advise against scrunching up the belly fat and pretending it was a talking face, as this only made raspberries more likely.
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