9 Ways To Make Your Company Gayer So The Human Rights Campaign Won’t Destroy You

The Human Rights Campaign is forever on the hunt for companies that aren’t gay enough. If they ever show up at your place of business and discover you’re inadequately queer, watch out! They’ll break your kneecaps!

The Babylon Bee has taken a look at the HRC’s official criteria to compile the following list of ways to further gayify your company for a better LGBTQ inclusion score:

1. Kill all the white employees: It might not make your company any more gay, but it’s just the right thing to do.
2. Make everyone kneel and pray five times per day on their pride-colored mats while facing the direction of San Francisco: This devout practice will instill a beautifully devout gayness in your company.
3. Lock all the straight employees in a room and release a barrel of scorpions: That’ll teach them.
4. Require job applicants to be able to name two WNBA teams and all of Taylor Swift’s songs: Only the gayest candidates can pass this test.
5. Reverse the male-female dress code: Your workplace will only be a safe space once Steve in Accounting is wearing a skirt.
6. If employees don’t display their pronouns on their name badges, stab them in the neck: Maybe they/them will start listening now.
7. Have weekly diversity training that involves a drag queen twerking in everyone’s face: Diversity is our strength.
8. Give promotions based solely on fabulousness: The only performance metric that matters.
9. Create the most toxically miserable workplace imaginable: If straight employees are not miserable and uncomfortable, you’re doing something wrong, comrade!

Follow the list above, and maybe the HRC will allow you to live to see another day.

Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.

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