Henry Kissinger, former Secretary of State, national security advisor, and lover of carpet bombing innocent civilians, passed away at the age of 100. The Onion asked Americans how they felt about his death, and this is what they said.
Advertisement
James Kessler, Psychologist
James Kessler, Psychologist
“Look, being nice in life won’t get you a Nobel Peace Prize.”
Advertisement
Sharon Thatcher, Teacher
Sharon Thatcher, Teacher
“He wasn’t just a war criminal, he was our war criminal.”
Advertisement
Whitney Plainfield, Administrative Assistant
Whitney Plainfield, Administrative Assistant
“He would have hated to see anyone die painlessly and peacefully like this.”
Advertisement
Lisa Johnson, Dietician
Lisa Johnson, Dietician
“I don’t want to diminish his legacy by citing the Cambodian government’s official death toll because I know the real number was much, much worse.”
Advertisement
Gina Garroni, Delivery Driver
Gina Garroni, Delivery Driver
“Is that what I ran over last night?”
Advertisement
Christa Deacon, Guidance Counselor
Christa Deacon, Guidance Counselor
“May he be as bloodthirsty in death as he was in life.”
Advertisement
Melissa Stevens, Mortgage Banker
Melissa Stevens, Mortgage Banker
“Love him or hate him, he’ll always be remembered as the best goddamn contestant Rock Of Love ever saw.”
Advertisement
Dan Potter, Fireman
Dan Potter, Fireman
“I sprayed some agent orange on my kids today in his honor.”
Advertisement
Brook Pratt, Pest Control Worker
Brook Pratt, Pest Control Worker
“But he still had so many war crimes left in him.”
Advertisement
George W. Bush, Former President
George W. Bush, Former President
“I remember the first day of my presidency, he was nice enough to send me an unexploded IED.”
Advertisement
Greg Bentley, Graphic Artist
Greg Bentley, Graphic Artist
“But he looked so young in ‘Oppenheimer’?”
Advertisement
Al Preston, Copywriter
Al Preston, Copywriter
“If we all close our eyes and say a racial slur at the same time, maybe he’ll come back to life.”
Advertisement
Carter Jacobs, Electrician
Carter Jacobs, Electrician
“Say what you will about the guy.”
Advertisement
Barack Obama, Former President
Barack Obama, Former President
“He taught me that war didn’t have to be fair. The most important part was that it was pointless and bloody.”
Advertisement
Tom Buchner, Woodworker
Tom Buchner, Woodworker
“That’s what he gets for breaking into a house in a state with stand-your-ground laws.”
Advertisement
Alejandro Sotolongo, Art Director
Alejandro Sotolongo, Art Director
“Let he who has not carpet bombed Cambodia throw the first stone.”
Advertisement
Paul Flannery, Line Cook
Paul Flannery, Line Cook
“This is just like Paul Walker all over again.”
Advertisement
Lisa Hitchens, File Clerk
Lisa Hitchens, File Clerk
“He put Cambodia on the map and almost took it off.”
Advertisement
Dick Cheney, Retired
Dick Cheney, Retired
“Nobody’s perfect, but he came pretty close.”
Advertisement
Dean Verecci, Software Engineer
Dean Verecci, Software Engineer
“Oh thank god, the last war criminal in the American government is finally dead.”
Advertisement
Kevin Spell, Physical Trainer
Kevin Spell, Physical Trainer
“It brings a tear to my eye thinking of all the innocent people that will never get to die by his hand.”
Advertisement
Gene Schaefer, Bus Driver
Gene Schaefer, Bus Driver
“If you think that man was impressive, you should taste my wife Beth’s homemade potato salad. It’s out of this world!”
Advertisement
Irene Stobbs, Accountant
Irene Stobbs, Accountant
“Oh no, Paula and Louis’s kid?”
Advertisement
Nick Farrington, Dentist
Nick Farrington, Dentist
“I just hope we don’t start tearing down all the Henry Kissinger monuments.”
Advertisement
Jessie Untermeyer, Music Teacher
Jessie Untermeyer, Music Teacher
“I hope he had just as much fun killing all those people as we had watching him kill them.”
Advertisement
George Huntington, Retired
George Huntington, Retired
“I’m not going to sugarcoat it—Henry had the mind of a supervillain, the heart of a serial killer, and the elegant gams of a va-va-voom showgirl.”
Advertisement
Bashar al-Assad, President Of Syria
Bashar al-Assad, President Of Syria
“Game recognizes game.”
Advertisement
You’ve Made It This Far …
You’ve Made It This Far …
Advertisement
Comments are closed.