Jimmy Carter Sprays A Little Cologne Down Front Of Pants Before Big First Date

PLAINS, GA—As he finished getting ready for his first night out since the passing of his wife Rosalynn earlier this month, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly sprayed a little cologne down the front of his pants Thursday before a big first date. “I just might get lucky, so I better make sure she likes the smell downstairs,” said the 99-year-old Carter, holding open his waistband and reaching inside to apply a generous quantity of Brut eau de toilette spray to his penis and scrotum. “Yes, sir, this could be the night I catch me some strange. Better squirt some of this stuff on my [adjustable home hospital bed] too, in case we come back to my place. Hot night on the town for Mr. Jimmy!” At press time, Carter was reportedly licking a finger to turn a page in a well-thumbed copy of Neil Strauss’ The Game.