Everyone Witnessing Second Coming Just Going To Pretend They Already Knew Jesus Christ Had Crab Claws For Hands

JERUSALEM—Struggling not to betray their surprise at the large, crustacean-like appendages being waved around by the Son of God, people currently witnessing the Second Coming were apparently just going to pretend they already knew Jesus had crab claws for hands, sources reported Friday. “Nobody wants to bring it up, so we’re all acting like this is exactly what we were expecting,” said a passerby on the Mount of Olives, adding that he could not recall any depiction of Christ—be it in a painting, a stained-glass window, or the Bible itself—that indicated He might have gigantic red pincers in place of human hands. “Maybe He got them after He ascended into heaven, or maybe it’s just a new thing He wanted to try out now that He has returned to render His judgment upon humanity. Either way, no one wants to make Him feel weird about it. You know, it’s possible I missed something about crab hands in the Book of Revelation, and I could definitely see Him using those things to smite His enemies.” At press time, everyone was reportedly hesitating as Jesus opened His claws to warmly embrace His followers.