WASHINGTON—Saying she was taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm down after boarding her flight to Dubai for the COP28 climate conference, sources reported Friday that Vice President Kamala Harris was nervous about flying on a plane for the first time. “Okay, it should be fine, it’s all fine, I know it’s statistically safer than driving, it’s just that I’ve never done anything like this before,” Harris said as she listened intently to the preflight safety briefing, which, with its instructions on how to wear an oxygen mask and use a seat cushion as a flotation device, reportedly caused her anxiety to spike even higher. “I realize this should be no big deal, people do it every day, even if they don’t really understand what keeps a machine this big up in the air. Oh God, oh God, oh God! I should have started with a short flight to Cleveland or Pittsburgh before I got on one that’s supposed to make it across an entire ocean. Goddammit, when is that Klonopin going to kick in? Get me off this thing, now!” At press time, the vice president’s office had released a statement saying she had decided to attended the climate summit remotely instead of flying there so she could reduce her carbon footprint.
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