Two Climate Change Activists Dead After Gluing Themselves To Ark Of The Covenant

CAIRO — What was initially a startling archeological discovery quickly turned to tragedy today, as climate change activists arrived at the site of the newly discovered Ark of the Covenant, glued their hands to it, and were immediately struck down dead.

“It was obvious they had never read their Bibles,” said Dr. James Corbin, lead archeologist on the team that made the historic discovery. “They were clearly very passionate about their beliefs and wanted to warn everyone that the world is on the brink of destruction due to climate change, but they really stepped in it when they picked the Ark as the priceless artifact to glue themselves to. Bad deal.”

According to witnesses, the two activists burst onto the dig site chanting about the necessity of stopping climate change. “They were yelling and marching around,” said another member of the research team. “The next thing you know, they both whip out some crazy glue, squirt it all over their hands, and slap their palms down on the Ark. There was a loud clap of thunder and their bodies were lying there sizzling with their hands still stuck to the Ark. So sad.”

The archeological team was left wondering how to proceed with the dig. “It’s pretty inconvenient,” Corbin said. “We aren’t really sure what to do about these two dead bodies that are glued to the most significant historical find of our time. Do we just cut their hands off? Will we die if we touch them now? It’s complicated.”

At publishing time, the Museum of Egyptian Antiquities had reportedly planned to display the Ark in all its glory while draping sheets over the two unfortunate climate activists.

Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.

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Babylon Bee