Clarence Thomas Swallows Whole Bottle Of OxyContin During Recess In Attempt To Get In On Purdue Settlement

WASHINGTON—Moments after calling for a brief adjournment to arguments appealing the pharmaceutical giant’s bankruptcy deal, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly spent the recess swallowing an entire bottle of OxyContin in an effort to get in on the Purdue Pharma settlement. “Oh man, $8 billion? That’s some serious money,” said the associate justice, who rushed to twist open an oxycodone bottle in his chambers and ingest as many of the opioids as possible during the half-hour break. “All I’ve got to do is say this company ruined my life, and I’ve got a meal ticket for life? Easy-peasy. Although, Christ, these things are big. Maybe I need some water to force more of them down. C’mon, Clarence, down the hatch.” At press time, after bursting back into the Supreme Court claiming he was owed millions, Thomas reportedly vomited up several hundred pills before his astonished colleagues and then fell asleep on the floor.