Conservatives Explain Why Football Is Too Woke

“The huddling in a big circle makes me suspicious they’re quietly talking about how to spread the liberal agenda in the next play.”

“They used to sing the national anthem before every snap.”

“Carrie Underwood is a known socialist agitator.”

“It involves teamwork instead of relentless self-interest.”

“I don’t like how they all have to ask for consent before tackling another player now.”

“There are she-refs.”

“Despite multiple angry letters, the Minnesota Vikings haven’t removed that fruity French braid from their logo.”

“I believe the dog whistle that will get me in the least trouble is ‘demographics’.”

“Any play that isn’t a four-yard run right up the middle is essentially an unconditional endorsement of Marxism.”

“You can’t even do the tomahawk chop at a Chiefs game without 70,000 people joining you with no pushback at all.”

“Players won’t even shoot pistols in the air to celebrate touchdowns anymore.”

“Nobody’s had their head ripped clean off since the ’80s.”

“Ever since they shifted away from using Native American stereotypes as mascots, it inexplicably lost its appeal.”

“You can’t harass cheerleaders without getting a lifetime ban anymore.”

“You have to go all the way back to 2021 to find a white MVP.”

“I’m just biding my time until the XFL gets desperate enough to start courting bigots.”

“Too many commercials! That’s what everyone’s mad about, right?”