Archaeologists Celebrate After Uncovering Ancient Certificate Congratulating Them For Finding All The Stuff

PALMYRA, SYRIA—In what turned out to be the final discovery within their field of study, the world’s archaeologists celebrated Tuesday after one of them used a brush to dust off a stone fragment, revealing an ancient certificate that congratulated them on finding all the stuff. “When we translate the Sumerian cuneiform that appears on this limestone tablet, we find that it reads, ‘Congratulations! You have officially unearthed all the old stuff from around the world!’” said Natya Mendis, an archaeology professor at the University of Madras, explaining that the certificate—which uses a variety of early written languages representing ancient cultures from each inhabited continent—confirmed there were no more artifacts left to be found anywhere on the planet. “Toward the bottom, though parts of the tablet have crumbled away, we can reconstruct a passage that says ‘Archaeologists are the best!’ and then praises us for completing each of the challenges along the way. When we flip it over to the back, we can see the words ‘You won!’ followed by some hieroglyphs of a smiley face and a big thumbs-up.” At press time, the world’s archaeologists announced they would be reburying all the artifacts that had been discovered so they could dig them up again.