MINNETONKA, MN—Telling herself she deserved this and letting out a long sigh of relief, local mother Theresa Franklin reported Wednesday that she would treat herself to throwing away a few pieces of her kids’ art. “When the stress gets to be a bit too much, nothing feels better than taking some time to relax, unwind, and destroy some of my children’s terrible drawings and sculptures,” said Franklin, 42, adding that between her household tasks, parenting duties, and full-time job, she had more than earned the right to chuck several of her children’s clumsy watercolors and ugly misshapen ceramics directly into the trash. “Today after work I dropped my son off at soccer, took my daughter to her dance class, and then went to a PTA meeting, so I really owe it to myself to rip some of those dumb paper snowflakes off the wall and tear them to absolute shreds. It felt so good last week when I tossed Julia’s clay handprint into the garbage can and watched that shit shatter into a hundred pieces. After the day I’ve had, I’m clearing off the whole damn fridge. That portrait Theo painted for Mother’s Day doesn’t even fucking look like me.” At press time, Franklin was tearfully searching through the trash after she accidentally treated herself to throwing away her children’s birth certificates, Social Security cards, and medical records.
Jesus Christ is King
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