WASHINGTON—Urging all 8 billion humans on the planet to brace themselves and hold on for dear life, panicking climate scientists warned reporters Wednesday that Earth was about to go off a huge waterfall. “Okay, we don’t mean to freak anyone out, but right now, the planet and all its inhabitants are floating down a river at high speed and barreling towards a huge cliff,” said climate scientist Edgar Garrison, who then gasped, pointed out at the horizon, and added that if the planet went off the edge of the waterfall, there was no way it would survive the crash landing against the sharp rocks below. “Unfortunately, if we don’t act within the next 45 seconds, the entire planet is going to get sucked into the rapids, pulled over the brink, and dropped thousands of vertical feet, exploding on impact when it hits the bottom. But if we can grab onto that tree branch, we might be able to pull the planet to shore.” At press time, climate scientists urged humanity not to look down after the planet hurled off the edge of the waterfall, only to be saved by a loose vine that had caught it mid-fall.
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