SAN LEANDRO, CA—Deciding the infant was the last person anyone would ever suspect of carrying out a hit, local man Dennis Jeffries wired his baby $10,000 for killing his wife in childbirth. “Well, it was great working with you, kid—that’s $5,000 up front, plus $5,000 for a job well done,” said the 33-year-old father, adding that he knew he could count on the infant to carry out their nine-month-long plan to successfully eliminate his wife with a dangerous, deadly labor. “I’m telling you, those pregnancy complications looked totally realistic, and I loved the part about septic shock. Now take that oversized head of yours and go enjoy a well-earned vacation. See you on the flip side.” At press time, Jeffries was reportedly panicking after he learned that half the baby’s genetic material could be traced back to him.
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