WASHINGTON—Shining their flashlights to reveal the pajama-clad president with a wild look in his eye, the Secret Service reportedly found Joe Biden on the White House lawn Thursday attempting to dig his own grave. “It’s nearly four o’clock in the morning, Mr. President,” said an agent, who discovered the 81-year-old president crouched and panting inside the shallow grave, his hands caked in dirt and covered in new blisters. “Mr. President, I don’t know where you found that shovel, but it’s time for us to go inside. Jesus Christ, you’re filthy. You don’t want us to have to start locking you in your room, do you?” At press time, a confused Biden was insisting that he had been merely taking an evening stroll around the grounds.
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